Listening With Care

by: James Burgess

Personal experience cannot realistically be assumed to be even similar to anyone else’s.

Despite what we may have been taught to believe, right and wrong, good or bad, is so often a local, time-sensitive view that is of no greater significance than being an aspect of normal behavior for this time at this place. It is worth having this in mind when listening to the views of another person and think whether their values reflect their age and environment as much as our own opinions reflect ours. Other things like class, wealth, social circumstances and education will also influence what is considered to be appropriate for another person. Respecting these differences in others will win us respect for our own idiosyncrasies, and lead to our being more tolerated for our own strange behavior.

Personal experience is just that – personal – and cannot realistically be assumed to be even similar to anyone else’s - one man’s meat is another woman’s poison - and yet, most of us want to reach further, in whatever way we feel is important to us. Of course this requires us to adopt new perspectives, to try out new things, which can be at first rather challenging and odd to say the least. In fact, very often we tend to shy away from the new as a reflex action of defense, and this negative unhelpful habit has to be addressed if we want to grow in a healthy way, free of fear and narrow-mindedness. Our willingness to embrace new ideas, learn skills and meet people unreservedly enough to avoid bigotry shows itself by our being open-minded.

When someone is talking to us and we are inwardly resistant and tend to disagree, then on some level they can feel that. It will probably diminish their ability to express their thoughts clearly and confidently – and could in fact considerably influence not only how they speak but also the content of what they say. However, if our listening attention is warm and supportive, then rapport is established and a sense of harmony can pervade the atmosphere between us. What is said then somehow gives form to the good feelings that exist and generates positivity that can help you in what you want from the exchange.

This is no small thing. If we want to make the world a better place, then we will all need to learn how to think and speak much more positively, and therefore learn to listen to others in such a way that their thoughts and words are more inclined to be positive. A tricky task! We can’t just tell people to stop being negative because this will simply strengthen their attitude. Indeed, we want them to realize what they are doing, (and we may feel constrained and obliged to facilitate this awakening!) yet it has to be gently managed.

Let us remember that the communication process is co-creative; the listener and speaker are doing it together. As was said, the listener’s quality of attention has an effect upon the message in form as well as essence. It goes without saying that the speaker’s words will touch the listener. Each is influencing the other and – significantly – the content and presentation of the message too. This is food for thought; we have been rather given to think differently – that the individual is responsible for his own output and that he takes the credit too.

Perhaps a degree more humility is appropriate when we talk, our gems of wisdom are not actually ours at all; they are more honestly to be seen as shared with the one we are talking to. Also when listening we could take a little more responsibility for what is said to us, and perhaps more importantly, how it is said - with a tone that indicates respect, anger, contempt or sensitivity - because “it takes two to tango”.

There is of course another good reason to listen carefully, respectfully, warmly and open-mindedly to another person – there’s a reasonable chance that they have something of importance for us to learn!

The ideas follow the 7 Words model – that everything is fundamentally an expression of seven basic life principles: No, Hello, Thanks, Goodbye, Please, Sorry, Yes. You may be able to identify them in the order of presentation of these paragraphs.